Today is a sad day. Fat Joggers UK will cease to function as of today.
It is with a heavy heart I say goodbye to running and all you brilliant peeps who have been following my progress..... I am starting to suffer with MTSS (shin splints) they are very painful and it is due to running on unforgiving surfaces. And being fat and unfit of course!!!!
Take heart though, fat cycling season is starting....... you never know, maybe I will start another blog but I fear it will not be the same.
Goodbye my friends - take it steady :) xxx
Wednesday 3 April 2013
Wednesday 20 March 2013
I Love Air Con
It is my utter pleasure to inform everyone that the air con is fixed in the gym. Thank God. If I had got as sweaty as I did last night again I think I may have had to employ a pressure washer upon leaving the gym.
So tonight was the third night of spin in a row, feeling a little.... um....... dead. My poor thighs are so damn rock solid that I could crush a coconut between them. Sadly, this will wear off by tomorrow and I will be back to the lardy bitch that I was before tonight. It's Amber's fault. For whatever reason she seems to feel the need to try and kill us at the moment. I had such a conversation with one of the other girls tonight, just before Adam began to crack the 'stand up and fucking pedal' whip.
There was some poor new bloke tonight, came in with the ex-Chilton gym people. Poor bastard. I don't think we will see him again. He was a tad overweight to say the least and I think he stopped pedalling more than he actually started and his friends just laughed at him. They are proper rude actually, they talk over Adam all the time and just pretty much ignore what he says. What can you learn by ignoring your instructor? Do us all a favour and piss off back to Chilton.
I'm sure my irritation added to my sweat factor too - no....wait.... that would just be my lard and the fact that I haven't actually done any running for 3 weeks now. Must pull finger out. Being a lazy bitch was what got me into this in the first place!
I did have a small realisation on Monday though, I was having a bad vertigo day and felt rough as at spin which got me thinking..... This time 18 months/2 years ago I was too poorly to even contemplate doing spin. I couldn't stand up without the use of anti vertigo drugs and my brain was trying its hardest to shut down both my legs and my right arm all at the same time. I was in and out of hospital with various appointments, clinics, physio etc and the thought of sitting on a spin bike for 45 mins 3 times a week would not have even been within my thought spectrum. It was enough effort to lift a freaking cup of coffee to my mouth! It is amazing when I look back on how my body can change its mind so quickly about what part it would like to work (or not) on any given day.
At the moment my biggest challenge is having enough dry spots on my towel to actually mop the sweat as opposed to just pushing it around my puce-coloured face and smearing my makeup all over the place. And Amber, if you are reading this, sweat is still NOT fit!
Fortunately, I have ruined the 3 in a row for next week by having the joys of the glaucoma clinic so only twice next week! *quietly celebrates*
So tonight was the third night of spin in a row, feeling a little.... um....... dead. My poor thighs are so damn rock solid that I could crush a coconut between them. Sadly, this will wear off by tomorrow and I will be back to the lardy bitch that I was before tonight. It's Amber's fault. For whatever reason she seems to feel the need to try and kill us at the moment. I had such a conversation with one of the other girls tonight, just before Adam began to crack the 'stand up and fucking pedal' whip.
There was some poor new bloke tonight, came in with the ex-Chilton gym people. Poor bastard. I don't think we will see him again. He was a tad overweight to say the least and I think he stopped pedalling more than he actually started and his friends just laughed at him. They are proper rude actually, they talk over Adam all the time and just pretty much ignore what he says. What can you learn by ignoring your instructor? Do us all a favour and piss off back to Chilton.
I'm sure my irritation added to my sweat factor too - no....wait.... that would just be my lard and the fact that I haven't actually done any running for 3 weeks now. Must pull finger out. Being a lazy bitch was what got me into this in the first place!
I did have a small realisation on Monday though, I was having a bad vertigo day and felt rough as at spin which got me thinking..... This time 18 months/2 years ago I was too poorly to even contemplate doing spin. I couldn't stand up without the use of anti vertigo drugs and my brain was trying its hardest to shut down both my legs and my right arm all at the same time. I was in and out of hospital with various appointments, clinics, physio etc and the thought of sitting on a spin bike for 45 mins 3 times a week would not have even been within my thought spectrum. It was enough effort to lift a freaking cup of coffee to my mouth! It is amazing when I look back on how my body can change its mind so quickly about what part it would like to work (or not) on any given day.
At the moment my biggest challenge is having enough dry spots on my towel to actually mop the sweat as opposed to just pushing it around my puce-coloured face and smearing my makeup all over the place. And Amber, if you are reading this, sweat is still NOT fit!
Fortunately, I have ruined the 3 in a row for next week by having the joys of the glaucoma clinic so only twice next week! *quietly celebrates*
Tuesday 5 March 2013
The Stupid Stuff That Goes Through Your Head In A Spin Class
See, now, here's the thing....... the people you see at your exercise class (whatever type you do) you tend to ONLY see at your exercise class. Except of course the friends you actually go with. I know we are all in the same boat etc etc BUT there are certain questions that you ask yourself during said class.
Tonight my brain was far more up for the exercise than my body (yeah I know, nothing new but tonight I REALLY did not wanna play) and as a result, it was working at least 50,000 times faster than my legs. So, whilst you are pouring with sweat and feeling the need for an oxygen tank and some form frontal lobotomy because you CANNOT understand why you are there, questions start to form. These were my questions tonight.....
1) Why can't my fitness instructor and those people in the class that I do not know so well, happen to bump into me somewhere and see me NOT looking like a disgusting sweaty bag of shit??? I'm not sure they would even recognise me if I wasn't in minging joggers, the colour and temperature of a cooking lobster and forming enough sweat to fill a large water butt. Seriously, I don't always look that disgusting but I'm feeling like this is almost an alter ego forming - disgusting, sweaty, rank Steph. Which leads on to my next question
2) OMG how curly has my hair gone with all this moisture? Am I frizzy yet? Do I look like I have stuck my wet fingers in a socket then leapt in a bath for good measure?
3) Why am I doing this to myself? I know I have the overwhelming desire to be thin but ffs sometimes its just not worth it. Recently Amber has dropped some pearlers onto her facebook - pain is not real it's a state of mind. Well, tell that to my freaking thighs. They are far removed from my brain and they were HURTING. She also says 'sweat is fit.' Well, fuck me, I must look like the fittest, sexiest person on gods earth at the end of the class. Now, why on earth would any sane person allow people to see them like this????
4) Is everyone else as knackered as I am? You look across at the others and of course you can't tell how sweaty and disgusting they are, if at all and they manage to smile.... bitch I can barely breathe let alone fucking smile.
5) Is my mascara all down my face? Having to go straight from work I invariably have makeup on now, I appreciate that every last scrap of foundation has been sweated off (the evidence is all over my saturated towel) BUT is my waterproof mascara actually waterproof or do I look like a chavvy panda with ink on its face?
6) If my pants get any further up my ass will anyone notice if I yank them out. Do I care if anyone notices?
7) How much of my hair dye is on the collar of my t-shirt and will it wash off? I'm not even sure how it gets to my collar but it has been known that I have gone home with a purple collar on several occasions.
8) I want to know what the time is but I'm scared to look at the clock or my watch because if it tells me we've only been here 10 minutes I think I'll just lie across my handlebars and die.
9) I go blind in my left eye when I overheat - does it look different? Can anyone notice? Does it look like I'm on drugs?
10) Is Amber on something? She's so energetic. If she is, I want some. NOW. If she's not...... well, that's just not right now is it?
So you see, spin is a very complicated thing. I have all this to concentrate on whilst also trying to make my hanging legs keep moving at whatever clinically insane pace I am told to go at.
I'm so not wanting to do spin number 3 now........ my poor tired legs :(
Tonight my brain was far more up for the exercise than my body (yeah I know, nothing new but tonight I REALLY did not wanna play) and as a result, it was working at least 50,000 times faster than my legs. So, whilst you are pouring with sweat and feeling the need for an oxygen tank and some form frontal lobotomy because you CANNOT understand why you are there, questions start to form. These were my questions tonight.....
1) Why can't my fitness instructor and those people in the class that I do not know so well, happen to bump into me somewhere and see me NOT looking like a disgusting sweaty bag of shit??? I'm not sure they would even recognise me if I wasn't in minging joggers, the colour and temperature of a cooking lobster and forming enough sweat to fill a large water butt. Seriously, I don't always look that disgusting but I'm feeling like this is almost an alter ego forming - disgusting, sweaty, rank Steph. Which leads on to my next question
2) OMG how curly has my hair gone with all this moisture? Am I frizzy yet? Do I look like I have stuck my wet fingers in a socket then leapt in a bath for good measure?
3) Why am I doing this to myself? I know I have the overwhelming desire to be thin but ffs sometimes its just not worth it. Recently Amber has dropped some pearlers onto her facebook - pain is not real it's a state of mind. Well, tell that to my freaking thighs. They are far removed from my brain and they were HURTING. She also says 'sweat is fit.' Well, fuck me, I must look like the fittest, sexiest person on gods earth at the end of the class. Now, why on earth would any sane person allow people to see them like this????
4) Is everyone else as knackered as I am? You look across at the others and of course you can't tell how sweaty and disgusting they are, if at all and they manage to smile.... bitch I can barely breathe let alone fucking smile.
5) Is my mascara all down my face? Having to go straight from work I invariably have makeup on now, I appreciate that every last scrap of foundation has been sweated off (the evidence is all over my saturated towel) BUT is my waterproof mascara actually waterproof or do I look like a chavvy panda with ink on its face?
6) If my pants get any further up my ass will anyone notice if I yank them out. Do I care if anyone notices?
7) How much of my hair dye is on the collar of my t-shirt and will it wash off? I'm not even sure how it gets to my collar but it has been known that I have gone home with a purple collar on several occasions.
8) I want to know what the time is but I'm scared to look at the clock or my watch because if it tells me we've only been here 10 minutes I think I'll just lie across my handlebars and die.
9) I go blind in my left eye when I overheat - does it look different? Can anyone notice? Does it look like I'm on drugs?
10) Is Amber on something? She's so energetic. If she is, I want some. NOW. If she's not...... well, that's just not right now is it?
So you see, spin is a very complicated thing. I have all this to concentrate on whilst also trying to make my hanging legs keep moving at whatever clinically insane pace I am told to go at.
I'm so not wanting to do spin number 3 now........ my poor tired legs :(
Wednesday 27 February 2013
I Have GOT To Stop This.....
Well, tonight started on my way home in the car (why is there always a 40mph twat by the way? What is it about 40mph that makes certain people need to do that particular speed in a 60 zone?) when I was arguing with myself about did I go running or did I take the bike out? The bike sadly lost as to make it worth my while I need to do at least 10-15 miles and then it would be pitch dark and fricking freezing and I would be miles from home, probably knowing my luck in a force 50 gale freezing my fingers over the hoods on my handlebars. Just looking on the bright side, like.
So..... I delayed the run as long as I could justify then off I set. Today's most valuable lesson: do not run when you are hungry enough to eat a scabby donkey unless you don't mind hearing your stomach rumble over the traffic AND your earphones that are set loud enough to make your eardrums bleed. I'm not kidding I could have started the next major tectonic plate shift with my guts tonight. Fortunately for the majority of my run I am alone so I only get embarrassed for myself rather than because someone has had to get ear defenders so I can run by their house.
At this point I would like to point out that I live in a respectable area, nice little village, nice people..... except tonight I must have ran through some sort of wormhole that brought me out in a parallel universe because, as I jogged round a corner on a nice quiet little back street to the cheerful tune of Dizzee Rascal and THERE HE WAS. THE MAN. It actually made me anchor up mid stride and nearly face plant the pavement. Up ahead of me was a lone man dragging a....... wait for it....... baseball bat along in his right hand. Now, although I had anchored up in surprise I figured there was some kid up ahead somewhere who he'd been in the playing field with (in the dark of course that was likely, Steph, good thinking) so I carried on. Sadly this rapidly turned out not to be the case when said man approached a bush up ahead and suddenly turned on it and started screaming at it and pounding the shit out of it with said bat. Great. I am just about to turn around and go the other way (quickly) when I realise actually I'm quite close and he has seen me. So, now I have that nanosecond dilemma which seems to go on forever in my brain as to whether I turn round and make it obvious he has freaked me RIGHT out or, do I play it cool and brave jogging past him like he's totally normal and stable......... sadly by this time I am practically on top of him so the decision was taken away and I had to run past. It got weirder...... he stopped screaming and beating the bush as I got level with him, cleared his throat and said 'evening.' Well, that was it for me, I managed to nod and smile then had to LEG IT up the road so I could laugh my tits off. I swear I have not laughed that hard in ages.
I have GOT to stop jogging at night, I can't take much more of this, I'm gonna have a breakdown. Actually I think my shins already have as I seem to lose all feeling in them as I'm running and I feel like I'm running on my knees. Strange...........
Serious though, I appear to live in a village from a horror movie where everyone is normal during the day and turn completely psychotic at night...... wonder if it's catching?????
So..... I delayed the run as long as I could justify then off I set. Today's most valuable lesson: do not run when you are hungry enough to eat a scabby donkey unless you don't mind hearing your stomach rumble over the traffic AND your earphones that are set loud enough to make your eardrums bleed. I'm not kidding I could have started the next major tectonic plate shift with my guts tonight. Fortunately for the majority of my run I am alone so I only get embarrassed for myself rather than because someone has had to get ear defenders so I can run by their house.
At this point I would like to point out that I live in a respectable area, nice little village, nice people..... except tonight I must have ran through some sort of wormhole that brought me out in a parallel universe because, as I jogged round a corner on a nice quiet little back street to the cheerful tune of Dizzee Rascal and THERE HE WAS. THE MAN. It actually made me anchor up mid stride and nearly face plant the pavement. Up ahead of me was a lone man dragging a....... wait for it....... baseball bat along in his right hand. Now, although I had anchored up in surprise I figured there was some kid up ahead somewhere who he'd been in the playing field with (in the dark of course that was likely, Steph, good thinking) so I carried on. Sadly this rapidly turned out not to be the case when said man approached a bush up ahead and suddenly turned on it and started screaming at it and pounding the shit out of it with said bat. Great. I am just about to turn around and go the other way (quickly) when I realise actually I'm quite close and he has seen me. So, now I have that nanosecond dilemma which seems to go on forever in my brain as to whether I turn round and make it obvious he has freaked me RIGHT out or, do I play it cool and brave jogging past him like he's totally normal and stable......... sadly by this time I am practically on top of him so the decision was taken away and I had to run past. It got weirder...... he stopped screaming and beating the bush as I got level with him, cleared his throat and said 'evening.' Well, that was it for me, I managed to nod and smile then had to LEG IT up the road so I could laugh my tits off. I swear I have not laughed that hard in ages.
I have GOT to stop jogging at night, I can't take much more of this, I'm gonna have a breakdown. Actually I think my shins already have as I seem to lose all feeling in them as I'm running and I feel like I'm running on my knees. Strange...........
Serious though, I appear to live in a village from a horror movie where everyone is normal during the day and turn completely psychotic at night...... wonder if it's catching?????
Thursday 21 February 2013
Strangely Quiet
Went for my Wednesday run last night in the strange apocalyptic quiet..... ok it was cold enough to cryogenically freeze me in mid-run pose but it was only 6.00 ish! It should have been the tail end of rush hour but there was barely a car on the road and I don't think I passed another human being on foot or even on a bike. It was, once again, like a bizarre horror movie scene you know, right before someone springs out with a meat cleaver to hack my limbs off...........
Anyway, it was my last run of week 3 so I have to start week 4 over the next couple of days. Not looking forward to that much, gotta be honest. Still, I was like this over week 3 and it wasn't so bad so we'll see!
I have recently involuntarily adopted a new tactic - I feel myself starting to die and of course, I think OMG I'm gonna have to stop in a minute but then, this other voice in my head (scary I know) starts shouting 'stop thinking about dying, you're fine! No! Stop thinking that!' and the argument continues until the woman on the training app yells 'WALK' down my ear! It obviously works as I don't stop because I'm so busy listening to the 2 voices in my head having their very own argument! This also detracts from the eerie sensation of being totally alone on the badly lit streets with no pavements just waiting for that lunatic I mentioned earlier.........
Anyway, it was my last run of week 3 so I have to start week 4 over the next couple of days. Not looking forward to that much, gotta be honest. Still, I was like this over week 3 and it wasn't so bad so we'll see!
I have recently involuntarily adopted a new tactic - I feel myself starting to die and of course, I think OMG I'm gonna have to stop in a minute but then, this other voice in my head (scary I know) starts shouting 'stop thinking about dying, you're fine! No! Stop thinking that!' and the argument continues until the woman on the training app yells 'WALK' down my ear! It obviously works as I don't stop because I'm so busy listening to the 2 voices in my head having their very own argument! This also detracts from the eerie sensation of being totally alone on the badly lit streets with no pavements just waiting for that lunatic I mentioned earlier.........
Wednesday 20 February 2013
I Love Amber
Amber was back last night!!! It was like chariots of fire. I could have run across the studio in slo-mo yelling Aaaaaammmmmbbbbbbeeeeeerrrrrrrrr!!! lol.
Poor girl has had such a bad week. She got called into hospital, told she had Leukaemia, then told actually no you don't sorry. Then the people at her other gym are being right gym bunny bitches and pretty much ignoring her completely in her class whether she be trying to talk to them or giving them instructions. She was so pleased to be back with us lot it was quite sweet!
Not that that made her go any easier on us..... I don't know what was dripping more, my towel or my face! And after having barely eaten for a week we certainly suffered the tiredness more than normal. The whole session went really quick though - it was strange. I was hanging out my arse but felt like we'd only been in there 15 minutes or so and it was all over!
Fat Jogging tonight.... must motivate myself and hope I come across no more weird old ladies driving around dead passengers.....
Poor girl has had such a bad week. She got called into hospital, told she had Leukaemia, then told actually no you don't sorry. Then the people at her other gym are being right gym bunny bitches and pretty much ignoring her completely in her class whether she be trying to talk to them or giving them instructions. She was so pleased to be back with us lot it was quite sweet!
Not that that made her go any easier on us..... I don't know what was dripping more, my towel or my face! And after having barely eaten for a week we certainly suffered the tiredness more than normal. The whole session went really quick though - it was strange. I was hanging out my arse but felt like we'd only been in there 15 minutes or so and it was all over!
Fat Jogging tonight.... must motivate myself and hope I come across no more weird old ladies driving around dead passengers.....
Wednesday 13 February 2013
The Name and Shame
Let's cut to the chase on this one. Sammay FAILED. In epic proportions.
We decided to run, despite the weather and, off we went on our first run interval and all was well. We hit our first walk and Sammay announces (loudly) that she needs a poo. Apparently it was gonna be ok though and she could hold it. So off we went again on the next run where she continued to shout after me she needed a crap. Luckily there was no-one around to see me laughing hysterically and gasping for oxygen more than usual.
On the third run I thought she was still shouting about needing a crap but no! This time she was shouting she had cramp so we stopped and she did some stretches on a wall in some street before the park. Tried again for a run and it wasn't happening so we walked into the park and she said she would walk fast while I ran a circuit of the park. Ok.... off I went, met up with her at the other side and asked if she was doing the next run...... NO. In no uncertain terms she was not. So we walked out the park and down some road (Kendale Road?) and headed for home. At this point I'm so lost its unreal. No idea on any vague direction I should be going so just wandered along behind, playing out the run program down my ear but not actually doing it as Sammay has failed so miserably. At this point it occurs to me that I really need to learn my way round Bridgwater so if this happens again to either of us, the other can run on home and meet up there. But, sadly, I was beyond lost and, I gotta be honest, whatever road is at the end of what was possibly Kendale Road, that begins with F, looked like a road I should have been running down if you get what I mean. I can't imagine anyone would want to stay still for long down there for fear of finding themselves stripped of everything they own, including their clothes, in the blink of an eye.
So, the whole thing was a fail. And apparently I'm starting to sound like a personal trainer as I told Sam off for being a windmill in a stretch.... lol. If I was a personal trainer I'd be thinner and richer!!!!
We decided to run, despite the weather and, off we went on our first run interval and all was well. We hit our first walk and Sammay announces (loudly) that she needs a poo. Apparently it was gonna be ok though and she could hold it. So off we went again on the next run where she continued to shout after me she needed a crap. Luckily there was no-one around to see me laughing hysterically and gasping for oxygen more than usual.
On the third run I thought she was still shouting about needing a crap but no! This time she was shouting she had cramp so we stopped and she did some stretches on a wall in some street before the park. Tried again for a run and it wasn't happening so we walked into the park and she said she would walk fast while I ran a circuit of the park. Ok.... off I went, met up with her at the other side and asked if she was doing the next run...... NO. In no uncertain terms she was not. So we walked out the park and down some road (Kendale Road?) and headed for home. At this point I'm so lost its unreal. No idea on any vague direction I should be going so just wandered along behind, playing out the run program down my ear but not actually doing it as Sammay has failed so miserably. At this point it occurs to me that I really need to learn my way round Bridgwater so if this happens again to either of us, the other can run on home and meet up there. But, sadly, I was beyond lost and, I gotta be honest, whatever road is at the end of what was possibly Kendale Road, that begins with F, looked like a road I should have been running down if you get what I mean. I can't imagine anyone would want to stay still for long down there for fear of finding themselves stripped of everything they own, including their clothes, in the blink of an eye.
So, the whole thing was a fail. And apparently I'm starting to sound like a personal trainer as I told Sam off for being a windmill in a stretch.... lol. If I was a personal trainer I'd be thinner and richer!!!!
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